Hopes and dreams...

I'm a self confessed idealist and definately a dreamer. I have great ideas about things I want to do, places I want to see and the way that I want to live my life. I know things never work out exactly how we want (both in a good and bad way), but I guess my biggest fear is that I'll compromise and settle in my ideals and aspirations, especially as I get older and the responsibilites and practicalities of life become more prevalent.

Take ethical living. I want so much to live an ethical life, and an environmentally responsible one. I want it to influence my every day decisions and acts - I want to treat people and the planet in the best way that I can. However, the possibilities of how to do this are so overwhelming, it's easy to end up doing nothing, or making efforts that seem token and concience easing. I support the work of organisations like the World Development Movement, but haven't got any more involved because it clashes with other things in my life. I believe in fair pay for all workers, buy fairtrade food where possible, but still own clothes made by Matalan and Primark. I am passionate about renewable energy and reducing the impact we have on the planet, but drive a car and still use aeroplanes. I have an ethical pension but not an ethical bank account. I know I can't do everything, but at what point am I compromising on my beliefs and letting myself off the hook too easily?

And work? I want to change jobs at some point in the next couple of years. I dream of a job where I feel like I'm having a positive effect on the world and something I'm passionate about (or at least more passionate about!). I don't want to end up 30 years down the line, still working in the same area that I am now. But at the moment, I'm just hoping to keep hold of my current job during the recession, reasoning that it's secure and pays the bills, and my career dreams have been shelved with no current unshelving date. A sensible and practical decision, or letting the practicalities of everyday life like rent and bills hinder my dreams?

What about things like travelling? Since a couple of my friends have gone off on trips over the past couple of years, it's become more on my mind that I'd really like to take 3 or maybe 6 months off to see a bit more of the world. It's not necessarily something I want to do right now, but a series of excuses consistently present themselves - I don't want to go on my own, I don't want to have to quit my job without having something to come back to, it doesn't fit in with plans for houses and housemates. Am I letting my fears to miss out on a potentially amazing experience or should I hold onto the hope for a better opportunity a few years down the line?

I know when I was a teenager my dreams and hopes were pretty fantastical, and as I've grown up they've become more grounded in reality. This is good and bad. Good because you weed out the ones that you realise are insignificant - with a bit of maturity comes the understanding of what is important in life, what you truly care about and believe in, and a better idea of what your strengths and weaknesses are. However you also tend to lose the energy that comes with youthful undampable belief that you can achieve things beyond your current abilities, and that things can change. With age also comes cynicalness and an ability to overthink and overrationalise things...

This isn't supposed to be a negative waffle by the way. I like my life a lot - my friends are flippin awesome and I wouldn't swap it for the world. I'm not being self critical in an attempt to illicit sympathy. I just want to keep challenging myself about stuff like this - dreaming can lead to great things. If I keep asking myself the questions I hope I'm less likely to allow myself to settle for averageness and have a pretty amazing time in my quest for something more.

Disclaimer - I wrote this at 2.30am when ill, so I'm not really sure how much sense it makes (I actually had to look up cynicalness cos I wasn't sure if it was even a word and I'm pretty sure it's seasoned with a healthy dose of grammatical mistakes) and whether this is something anyone else ponders (especially at 2.30am) or if it's just me...